Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you didnt know i had herpes?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
