is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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