I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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