walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
