mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
