I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
