they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
