i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
