when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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