But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
