I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
