i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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