I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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