connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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