you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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