at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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