Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
