I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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