I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize