# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
