he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
