You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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