Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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