the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
