Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Houston, we have a blender
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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