Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
