On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
