I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
