In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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