can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
