he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
