my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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