You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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