wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
