Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
