All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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