that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
