Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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