so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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