Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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