if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
