Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
