Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
