I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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