Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
