Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
