My first STD was from a foam party
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
