Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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