dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
