nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
