um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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