sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
