Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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