Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
