When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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