my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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