my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize