I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize