Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
