you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
