Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
