Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
