Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
