I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
