I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
