I can text with my tongue
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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