Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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