dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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