I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
