im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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