If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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