If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
