Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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